“You can take my guns when you pry from my cold, dead dad-gummed hands, liberal faggots!” I’m sure I’ve heard someone say that. probably everyday since I’ve existed, probably twice a day since moving to Texas. Oi.  I have to get my thoughts on this out, so the web space I pay for seems like a good forum.

*This is more of a thought journal, so here we go.

First, I will say that I have been around firearms all my life, my parents were both in the military before I was born and when I was old enough, they taught me how to shoot and about gun safety. We had a shotgun and pistol in our household. I had toy guns. I was instilled with the difference between the two and never thought of the guns in our home as anything more than, I suppose, a tool for the ‘Worst Case Scenario’. Later on I got in to trap shooting for a short stint as well and really enjoyed it. I do like guns. That being said…

No. ‘God-Damned’ Obama ain’t gonna come in to your home and take yer guns away. Here’s why: He’s busy. He personally would not take the time to go to every gun owner’s home and take your guns away in some sort of wheelbarrow or something. It would be logistically impractical. Stop saying it. Also, he’s on the final lap, the home stretch, the final year of his run as President. Remember the last month of senior year? You didn’t do anything or care about any last homework or whatever, cause in a month you’re gone, who cares? That’s what I assume the last year of an 8 year term is probably like. He’s not going to spend his last year in office going door to door collecting your unnecessary amount of weapons.

Next, stop saying “the cold, dead hands thing” and other shit like “I’ll shoot anyone who even fuckin’ tries to take away my guns and my rights” That’s really part of the problem. What you’re doing in that moment is threatening violence on a hypothetical person. If this were a real person, that’s a pretty decent sized crime most often called: Criminal Threats.  And if you’re the person supposing that President Obama himself would come to your house to take your guns, and you still stand by this statement, that is a whole ‘nuther can o’ worms.  

Part of the problem in this process is the backwoods hypocrisy of the standard “Murican” personality. Often sporting feel-good pseudo-patriotic articles of clothing that say shit like Support the Troops, yet when those troops get home a substantial amount are unable to receive the help they need to survive. A yellow ribbon magnet sure does look nice, it would look nicer if you ever parked your supportive message at a soup kitchen or helped support real, local efforts rather than paying people to make magnets. But that’s a whole different rant I’ll go on some other time. My point in this segment is that The troops would more than likely be the ones assisting local law enforcement reclaim these guns, hypothetically. And by your very logic, you’re threatening death against law enforcement, and the troops you so visually support on your shirt/hat/bumper. In fact, your attitude, is downright Treason.


Here are some of my proposed steps to solutions you’re sure to hate:
(Choose any or all of these, these are meant to be interchangeable to find the best solution.)

  • Ban Conceal Carry. If it’s so important that you have your gun on you at all times, and you want to flex nuts and act like Wyatt Earp, then you shouldn’t get to hide your gun. You wanna pack heat everywhere you go, it seems unnecessary (because you’re not actually helping anything) but the rest of us should at least have a visual on which assholes to steer clear of if shit goes down.
  • No more guns than trained users per household. If you live alone and you know how to use the weapon, you get one. If it’s merely for ‘Self Defense’ one would suffice. If you and your spouse are both trained, you each get one. You want a third gun? NOOP! Sorry, you each get one. You may trade in your current weapon for a different version, but you don’t get to have both. You can’t fire them at the same time anyways.
  • No more semi-auto. Your gun is single action. Again, if it’s truly for self defense, and you’re properly trained, you don’t need more than that. Also, you don’t need an AR-15 to hunt deer either. If you’re using semi-autos to hunt wildlife, I hope you get gored by antlers. Antlers right up your god-damned taint, you fuckin’ psycho. Be a man and use a fuckin’ bow.
  • Higher taxes on ammo. This one I’ve heard from other folks too, I like the idea. You’ll think more about the shots you take if the bullets cost more. And you know what we could do with the tax revenue accrued from ammo sales, funnel it into programs that help soldiers with medical issues and/or keep them off the streets. Then you wouldn’t have to be a hypocrite about your yellow ribbons.
  • Ammo roulette. 1 in 1000 bullets is an actual bullet. Everything else is blanks. All completely randomized. (This would also work well with the tax idea) Take the same idea behind collectible card games like Magic or Pokemon, The rare cards are randomized in packs that cost x amount per package, with no guarantee that you’ll get one.  People who play these games drop mad ducketts on these randomized cards, so much that it’s the mainstay of keeping a lot of collector shops open still. It’s basically gambling for children, but that sales model could work with ammo too. Plus, one in 1000 bullets might give lead time when shots are fired in public. There is a lot more minutia in this idea than I can grasp. I know very little about making ammo, but blanks exist already so this idea seems feasible.
  • Make ammo harder to buy. For fuck’s sake, you have to give your ID to the clerk at Walgreen’s just to buy Sudafed. (Some places may actually already do this, I don’t know, I don’t buy ammo)
  • This one may be the most extreme. Don’t mess with the gun laws at all. BUT. INSTEAD. The entire country has to forfeit their trigger fingers. There’s no amendment guaranteeing you a right to trigger fingers. It’ll be a lot harder to shoot guns around like Yomsimpitee Sam (that’s what I called him as a kid, Yosimpitee) if ya ain’t got no trigger fingers. You’ll have to train yourself to use your other fingers to fire, which at that point you may be better off using your toes to pull the trigger. And good luck getting enough practice when you’re buying mostly blanks at literally $20 a pop.

So there are a few ideas I’ve put together on the gun issue. I hope these options are entertained at some point, and I’m free most week-days after 5:00pm if you’d like to call and discuss these ideas further, Mr. President.


One final though on guns before I cut outta here.
Wearing your high powered rifles to go to Starbucks just “Prove a point” doesn’t prove anything. You just look like ignorant rubes. No, wait. You don’t look like ignorant rubes, you are ignorant rubes. I suppose you are proving a point then. Sorry ’bout that.


Leave a Reply